Musical Monday: Even when he doesn't understand the connection, he can't take his eyes off of Ajay

 

It's funny how even when I don't set out intending for it to, my mind goes to music and one of my characters winds up picking up an instrument, usually a guitar, that always was my instrument of choice, mostly because, for as much as I loved singing, I don't necessarily have a voice that I'd want to share. Guitar was all about muscle memory and the challenge of being able to hit those cords, even with small finishers. The piano was harder, I love the instrument, but hitting the key, I could never do it hard enough for the notes to sound right. I can play an electric keyboard, though I haven't touched it in a few years. Eventually, I'll get back to it, I always do. It's something I can never get out of my system and I'm glad for that. For every emotion, even the ones I can't put a name to, there is a song that can express what I'll never be able to say. It's the same way for Ajay too, which is why he'll play anywhere, anyone will let him, even when it gets him into trouble, and trust me, it does. He has a lot of explaining to do when Walker finds out about it, but it also takes a lot to get them to that point. The scene below is one of those early moments when Walker is watching him play and listening to the songs he chooses, shocked at just how unintentionally the songs Ajay chooses reflects the things that have been weighing on Walker's mind for a very long time. 

“Since I’m here, I don’t suppose I can get a sneak peek at the new line of bears for the upcoming season,” Walker asked, hoping for something to work on during his forced week at home.

“Absolutely not,” Leith remarked when Ren reached inside his suit coat to retrieve his phone. 

“You heard the boss,” Ren remarked as he moved his hand away from the device.

“Fine,” Walker groaned, drumming his fingers on the tabletop.

When the waiter appeared to place their food on the table, he was startled for a moment, until the meal he always ordered was laid before him in a neat and orderly fashion, and he was reminded, once again, of how predictable his life had become. Those crab cakes smelled as delicious as always, sitting in the white wine reduction that gave every bite an added zing of zest and flavors. He always took his salad with raspberry balsamic glaze and a single twist of black pepper and for dessert, once he was through and had finished his second cocktail, he’d have the champaign truffles with a cognac he’d swirl until the flavors burst forth. A wonderful meal, but he’d yet to sample anything else on the menu.

When the guitarist stepped out to play, Walker could barely suppress his surprise at his transformation. His ripped jeans had been replaced by skintight leather pants. On the corner he’d worn a faded black hoody, now he was sporting a crimson button-down top and a black leather vest that looked new and highly polished, like a bootblack had only just finished with it. His long purple hair had been tied back, revealing high cheekbones brushed with a shimmer of makeup, while his green eyes were ringed in eyeliner, making the color pop as he launched into his first song.

Blue on Black was the perfect choice for that rich voice, and when he launched into Sorry Walker found himself pulled deep into the music and memories he was usually so good at keeping tucked away.

“Please can you take a break now? I made us something to snack on.”

Glancing up from the secondhand desk he’d wedged against the far wall of his too-small living room, Walker saw Eli swaying in the doorway in footie pajamas with teddy bears all over them. His precious boy had been so good, entertaining himself while Walker got his work done, that he was owed a reward indeed.

“Of course.”  

Standing, he’d closed the distance between them and scooped Eli into his arms, peppering his face with kisses that made him squeal and giggle. He’d carried him into the kitchen, where the snack proved to be a three-layer cake with brilliant white frosting and little red roses pipped onto it in several places.

“I just had to try my hand at red velvet after how much you loved it the other night.”

Eli’s thoughtfulness never failed to leave him feeling unworthy of the wonderfully talented man he was lucky to call his boy.

Soft music played from an old radio that had been his father’s once, back when the man still had his little repair business in the garage beside their house. Now, a slow song hummed from it, and he set Eli down so they could dance together on those cracked linoleum tiles Eli was forever trying to polish.

“I love you, Daddy,” Eli murmured as they moved to the music.

“Love you too, little one,” Walker said, holding him tight.

“Walker….”

“Hey…Walker…”

Blinking, he was jolted from the memory by the feel of someone shaking his arm.

“You got lost, my friend,” Ren remarked, once Walker was focused on him.

“You shoulda left me there,” Walker grumbled, jerking his arm away.

“Could have, but your food was getting cold,” Ren remarked, letting his hand fall away from Walker’s shirt.

Staring down at the plate he’d barely taken a bite out of, he was reminded of why he always ordered this meal, and it made his stomach roil. This was the meal Eli had ordered the only time they’d come here together, not long before some drunk son of a bitch careening through the streets had torn Eli from his life.

“What’s eating you tonight?” Ren asked, after watching Walker shove the food around on his plate for a little while.

“What always eats me this time of year.”

Sighing, Ren shook his head and shot him a look of pity, which only served to irk Walker more. He didn’t want his friends to feel bad for him. He wanted the season to be over. He wanted the memories to slide back into the dark corner he fought to keep them in. He didn’t want to remember how much Eli had loved this time of year, or how many thrift stores he’d scavenged through for decorations to brighten their apartment with. He didn’t want to remember the years afterward, and all the failed relationships and boys who couldn’t live up to Eli’s loving personality or witty charm. He didn’t want to remember the joy of walking hand in hand through a snow-covered park with little flakes falling around them or how Eli always had to tilt his head back to catch them on his tongue.

Most of all though, he didn’t want to listen to anymore god damned music because it was in those songs where he felt the loss the strongest, a sharp ache like a knife to the soul. And yet up on stage, that god damned singer just kept on playing like he had the soundtrack of Walker’s life etched in those six strings, every note just as sharp and unforgiving as the one before.

And wouldn’t you know it, those pale fingers flew into a frenzy of notes and chords, as the beautiful purple-haired man sang Unforgiven. 

A Little Christmas: Ajay's Secret is available on Amazon here!

Walker Remington hates the holiday season. He didn't always feel that way, but tragedy has a way of changing things and making a man bitter. Carols, lights, the sight of people with their packages and bags all tip him over into Bah Humbug mode, that is, until Ajay comes along. With his piercings and wildly colored hair, he is everything Walker is not. Young, fun-loving, and on the hunt for a Daddy, something Walker has been before, and longs to be again, if only he'll stop sabotaging every chance he's offered.

A street musician longing to hit it big someday, Ajay McKerran sets up on corners all over the city, playing his guitar and bringing joy to people, especially with the carols he sings. When a chance meeting lands him a gig playing at a dinner club for kink-minded individuals, he never imagined it would land him in a space where he could safely explore things he's long desired. But is Walker the right Daddy for him or will the man prove to be as cold as the Baltimore winter Ajay ventures out to play in?

Each book in A Little Christmas is a standalone. But each boy is silly, unique, loveable, and downright adorable so why not read them all?

And if you'd like to read more about Ajay's friends, then check out: 

Be My Little Valentine: Shanny's Surprise