“Maybe you not investing is a big
part of why things fall apart.”
“There could be some truth to
that.”
“More than just some,” Hawk said,
leveling such an intense stare at him Aaron was forced to look away. “I talked
to Kelly.”
“Why does that not surprise me.”
“Because the three of us have
been together for a long time and you know I consider you family,” Hawk said.
“And when my family is at odds with one another, I want to know what the fuck
is going on.”
“Simple. Kelly’s creating a new
band and I’m not a good fit for the direction he plans to take it.”
Hawk breaking into laughter was
the last response Aaron expected. Even when he was done, he didn’t say anything
at first, just swirled the liquid in the bottle he held and kept right on
staring. “Do you honestly expect me to believe that?”
“It would be nice if you did.”
“Uh-huh, sure, of course it
would. Then you wouldn’t have to explain why you wouldn’t meet the guys you
proclaimed to be the best that auditioned.”
“If you talked to him then he’s
already told you, which makes this whole conversation about as pointless as
tits on a bull.”
“Someone’s been binging westerns
again.”
“Maybe. It’s about the only genre
I can stomach watching alone.”
“You wouldn’t be alone if you’d
take the elevator up two flights and tell Kelly what all this is really about.”
Groaning, Aaron pressed the heels
of his palms against his eyelids and leaned back, sinking the tips of his
fingers into his hair and taking slow, steady breaths. It was so many things.
Too many. A tangled, jumbled mass of issues as snarled as a ball of Christmas
lights. “I tried. He doesn’t get it.”
“Are you forgetting how well I
know you?” Hawk said, his voice having taken on an impatient edge. “Or what I
just watched you do with my niece? You can fool the rest of the world, they
only see your packaging. I know your heart, and I know you didn’t reject
playing with Declan because he’s in a wheelchair or Caleb because he grew up in
the Amish faith. I know there is more going on, so if we’ve gotta sit here all-night
drinking iced tea and staring at the glob of frosting I keep forgetting to
clean off the ceiling, then that’s what we’ll do. Meaning we’ll be two tired,
grumpy fucks in the morning when we’ve got to wrangle the kids and make the
monkey bread.”
“How’d that get up there,
anyway?”
“I’m raising a toddler, a four
year old, and a six-year-old, how the hell am I supposed to know,” Hawk shot
back. “Nice attempt at changing the subject by the way.”
“I see that it failed.”
“Nice as it was, it was doomed
from the start.”
“Shoulda figured.”
“Yes, you should have and yet,
you attempted it anyway, which tells me you want to have this conversation.”
Growling, Aaron dropped his hands
into his lap. “Look. You leaving the band, that was the only choice you had
considering your situation, but Ethan being so shitty about it, that was on
him. I can let that go. I can maybe forgive him, one day. Justin going with
him. I don’t know if I can forgive that, but whatever. Me and Kelly getting
clean, well, it needed to happen and now that it has, I’m good with not ending
my nights with a drink, or ten.”
“I can appreciate that. It hasn’t
been easy finding another way to end my night, either, but I can’t exactly pass
out on the couch with the game watching me when one of the kids might wake up
in the middle of the night and need me.”
“Exactly. Though you could always
do that now and again if you had someone sober around to deal with something if
it came up.”
“Yeah, ‘cause it’s a good reason
to date someone and maybe even move them in just so you have a built-in
babysitter for your not so sober moments.”
“I’m not saying it has to be the
only reason,” Aaron pointed out, a wave of hope surging through him. “Not that
we’ve ever needed one or an excuse to spend our nights together, even if it’s
just kicking back watching the Wild demolish the Avalanche a couple times a
year. You said yourself I was good with Dani and you know I can help with Liam
and Ella too if you’ll stop using them as an excuse to keep me at arm’s length.”
“We’ve had this conversation,
Aaron.”
“No, you talked and I was forced
to sit and listen while you said everything you had to say then ended the call
because Dani had gotten into something.”
“Which will happen, often, as in
every day. It would also be a sixteen-year commitment, seeing as how I refuse
to bring anyone into their lives who isn’t willing to be there for the long
haul. These kids don’t need to get attached to another person who suddenly
drops out of their lives.”
“Death is unavoidable, including
yours,” Aaron pointed out. “You can’t guarantee something won’t happen between
then and now. You can hope it won’t, but the universe is too random to ever
make the kind of promise you’re after.”
Hawk sat up, turning towards him
with frustration etched into his face. “You know what the fuck I mean.”
“I know that shit happens, and a
promise made in one moment might not mean a pile of shit ten years down the
line.”
“Then I guess you’ve got your
answer right there. Besides, us dating was the biggest comedy of errors since
Kazzy staggered out on stage in a pair of Sierra’s yoga pants,” Hawk declared.
Now that hurt. Sucking in a
breath, he thought to defend what they’d had but it was clear that none of it
meant anything to Hawk, not the way that it still meant to Aaron. Six months
ago it had seemed like they’d finally gotten it right and worked past all the
bullshit they’d struggled with when they were in the band together. If Hawk
would just take a chance on him, he’d prove that he’d be in it for the long
haul…only it suddenly dawned on him that maybe that was the heart of the issue,
that Hawk didn’t want forever with him.
“Dude, that color pallet was like
an acid trip gone bad,” Hawk reminisced, chuckling fondly at the memory.
Swallowing hard, Aaron choked the
swell of emotions that threatened to spill from his eyes in a long stream of
hot, humiliating tears. Instead, he forced out a laugh and muttered, “I know,
right.”
“I’ve got a picture of that
hanging in the music room,” Hawk said.
“Didn’t even know you’d finally
decided to put one in.”
“Ech,” Hawk grumbled with a
half-hearted shrug. “Figured maybe one of the kids would want to learn an
instrument one day.”
“Uh-huh, or maybe you figured you
could slide in there in the middle of the night and sing old school grunge
until you’re tired enough to sleep.”
“Maybe.”
“I could always plug in my guitar
and accompany you sometime,” Aaron offered, desperate to keep some shred of a
connection in place.
“Yeah well, you’d better be
prepared to sing backup.”
Aaron shook his head, his laugh
coming out dry and a bit broken, though he was grateful that Hawk choose to
overlook it, if he’d even noticed. “I don’t sing, that’s your thing, remember.”
“Might have been my thing when I
was part of the band, but I heard you singing to Dani, you could fill my slot
and yours if you’ll just get your head out of your ass and go talk to Kelly.”
“To do that, I’d have to go back
to the city, which isn’t what I’m in the mood to do right now.”
“Then you’d better figure out how
to be,” Hawk said in that cold, no nonsense tone of his. “You can visit
whenever you want, you can video chat as often as you can, but you can’t stay
until you’re sure you’re done with everything out there that could possibly
drag you away from here.”
Aaron sucked in a breath, smarting
a little at the rejection, but not too blind to hear the offer that was mingled
in with the other words.
“Is that a promise?” Aaron asked,
knowing he sounded needy, hopeful, and almost desperate, but each time he came
up here, it got harder and harder to leave. He knew a day was coming, maybe
even soon, when he’d fall onto his knees and beg Hawk to let him stay.
“You know I never say anything I
don’t mean,” Hawk told him.
Aaron was so relieved, he didn’t
think, he just turned until he could straddle Hawk’s lap, hug him and breathe
in the scent of Hawk, sugar, woods and mushed up vegetables. When Hawk’s arms
locked around him, Aaron sunk into the embrace, nuzzling Hawk’s neck and
clinging. Hands rubbed down his back and stroked his hair, a low, rumbling sigh
emanating from Hawk.
“And then you do something like
this, and I want to kick myself for ever suggesting you leave here,” Hawk
murmured, holding Aaron flush against him and rocking him in his lap.
“Hawk…” Aaron groaned when he did
it again, the press of him, hard behind his zipper, making Aaron long for the
one thing they’d been even better at doing together then making music.
“For old time’s sake,” Hawk
groaned. “Let me have you. Please. I…fuck it’s been so long…”
Moaning, Aaron rolled his hips,
grinding against him. “Whatever you want.”
Hawk’s hands guided him into a
frenzied cadence of friction as they frotted against one another like
teenagers, desperate, needy whines spilling from between their lips.
“Uncle Hawk…I wet my bed!” A
voice whined. The pair shot away from each other like they were fifteen and the
porch light had just been turned on. Aaron panted, while Hawk muttered a curse
and banged his head against the back of the couch.
“I’ll be right there!” Hawk
called, voice ragged and edged with frustration.
“Grab an empty laundry basket and
replacement sheets and I’ll go strip the bed,” Aaron said, shoving to his feet
before Hawk could protest. As he headed down the hall towards Liam’s room and
the little boy standing in the doorway, light spilling out behind him as he
rubbed his eyes, he was well aware of how frequent interruptions like these
would happen. The thing that shocked him a little, was how absolutely okay he
was with it as long as it meant waking up to Hawk every day until the end of
time.
Letters to the Sky Gods is slated to go live in November. Look for more teasers in upcoming week.
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