For the final weekend leading into Halloween, what else but a horror movie, or in this case, a horror franchise, would I be watching on this particular Saturday. Hatchet was an unfamiliar movie when I came across it on Prime Video, but I'd just finished watching the original 3 Candyman movies and it popped up because of the bit part Tony Todd had in it, and as it turns out, the second movie too.
So, I have to admit, I clicked on it with some skepticism, considering the number of B and even C rated horror movies presented during this time of year. So, the basic premises of these Hatchet Films is that this family living out in the swamp had a kid who was born with some deformities who was sequestered away, but raised kindly by his father until folks come around the cabin trying to gawk at the boy, the cabin winds up on fire, and the dad accidentally kills him with a hatchet while trying to chop his way into their cabin to save him from the flames.
Add in a curse that was put on the boy before he was born, and poof, he's this swamp legends come to life that kills people out there and thus, a horror franchise is born. Kind of reminded me of the Pumpkinhead moves in a way.
The cool part is that not only is Tony Todd in the movie, but Kane Hodder of the Halloween franchise plays the part of Victor Crowley, the hatchet-wielding killer who makes short work of a pair of alligator hunters (spoiler alert: one of them is Robert Englund) and (almost) an entire boat full of ghost tour patrons.
One survives, one always survives to tell the tale. It's like a horror movie requirement or something. Hey nice opening song, I love Marilyn Manson so there was already the promise of an awesome soundtrack to kick things off. Add in a New Orleans setting, which Candyman 3 had as well, and it was a recipe for something interesting, that's all I can say.
Today I'm watching the movie with Kayden and Jagger of Damaged Saints. Robbie drew the short straw and got 'elected' to scout a venue with Draven, leaving these two on their own for the day. Expect shenanigans and maybe even a smutty moment or two.
"Okay, seriously, if all people gotta do is stay the fuck outta that part of the swamp to not end up dead, why don't they just stay out!" Kayden grumbled, getting comfy with his head against Jagger's leg.
It's movie night with Damaged Saints and of course, it being October, what else would these guys be watching but slasher movies.
"Please don't start that argument again, it's the same one you made through all the Amityville Horror movies, which is pointless, because they are movies, so of course, people are going to keep buying the house and trying to live in it or there would be no movie," Jagger groaned.
"Smartass."
"You like my ass."
"Very much so. Why don't you bring it over here and put it to good use?"
Elbowing him, Jagger shot him a look. "Will it shut you up about the swamp?"
"Temporarily."
"Better than nothing, I guess," Jagger replied before promptly planting himself in Kayden's lap.
"Oh come on, the dude in the boat is literally telling them the swamp is closed and they're still gonna ignore the warning and him yelling about Crowley, to go out on the boat in the middle of the..."
Kayden's words are silenced by Jagger's lips as the singer claimed them and used his body to block Kayden from hearing the boat guy foreshadowing how they were all gonna die.
(About as fun as a bag of dicks, is the way one character described the start of the tour, and their tour guide as Uncle Remus meets Bruce Lee. The bits of comedy, especially when the guide begs them to let him do his job when first one, then another member of the tour starts interjecting bits of information, adds realism and a bit of levity to the balance out the hack and slash. I gotta admit, watching a character be dragged across the floor by their intestines wasn't a move I'd seen before.)
"Okay, seriously, someone please tell me this pathetic dude whining about his girlfriend telling him she needed space and how they'd been together since the May Dance back in seventh grade, is the first to die!" Kayden gripped as he peered over Jagger's shoulder.
"If you are seriously still paying attention to the movie after that kiss then I'm doing something wrong. Ohhh, bayou chick has a gun."
"Now who's paying more attention to the movie?"
"Only 'cause shit's about to get good. They're stranded, let the hacking begin," Jagger said. "Twenty bucks and a blow job says one of the porn chicks gets killed first."
"Bullshit, it better be the guy whining about getting dumped!"
"And we're both wrong!" Jagger declared. "Looks like it's guy with the video camera shooting the porno for the win!"
"Pretty sure it was the alligator who won in that instance, and it so doesn't count," Kayden protested. "This isn't a mutated gator flick, it's a slasher movie. Kills only count if Crawley makes them."
"Fine, but when porn chick bites it, I expect you to put your lips to good use."
"Hey, look, porn guy lived."
"That's what you get for not paying attention."
"Look who's the one distracting me?"
"Oh my god, that's hilarious! Guide just moved there from Detroit and did his first tour last night!" Kayden declared.
"Boat didn't sink last night!" Jagger quoted as he flopped against Kayden's chest, laughing as the chick with the gun revealed why she was really there, and the fact that it was cheaper to pay for a ghost tour in order to search for her father and brother who'd gone missing, rather than rent a boat. (Remember that Alligator hunting pair? If so, you're all caught up then.)
"OH COME ON!!!!" Kayden bellowed, throwing up his hands and nearly smacking Jagger in the side of the head as Hatchet face's first victim proved to be the old guy who'd nearly gotten his leg taken off by a gator.
"And we both lose, again."
(Technically, Jagger actually did win, porn guy died first but they were too busy making out to see it.)
"Fuck that, come here!" Kayden growled, wrapping his arms around Jagger and practically slamming him on the bed in his haste to make out again. Fingernails scraped over skin and raked down sides as their tongues slid together and low moans drowned out the dialogue of the movie.
Sliding down Jagger's body, Kayden wrapped his lips around Jagger's cock, Jagger's fingers tangling in his hair as the whirl of something mechanical blared from the speakers as Victor Crowley claimed another victim.
(And...we can see where this afternoon is heading. Hatchet 2 features Tom Holland, though I doubt these two will pay enough attention to notice. Check out the trilogy if you're looking for a new hack and slash to watch. Until next time, peace out everyone.)
"Wait a minute...did dude seriously just clock someone with the head of another victim?" Kayden grumbled.
"Fuck do I care," Jagger groaned, dragging Kayden's lips back where he wanted them.
(To set the record straight, yes, there was a severed head thrown at another character, it was, in fact, followed by a bloody torso.)
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