Sunday Cinema: Saw with Kayden, Jagger, and Robbie of Damaged Saints.

What is Lazy Sunday Cinema, you ask? Well, it's quite easy to explain. It's where an author watches a movie and writes about it, not necessarily a review, though it could be. The concept is that the write-up comes from the perspective of one of their characters, not the author themselves, though I'm not opposed to author and character discussing the merits and flaws of a movie as that could be amusing as hell. The writeup can be as simple as breakdown of the things they liked or didn't about the film, to a back-and-forth discourse between characters while they are watching it. It really is one of those pieces meant to just have fun with and give readers a taste of the character outside of the pages of their book. Like a bonus scene or an outtake. 

For today's Lazy Sunday Cinema, we’re going to be watching a movie with Kayden, Jagger, and Robbie from my upcoming novel, Damaged Saints, which is part of the Road to Rocktoberfest shared world series that begun releasing earlier this month. It’s October, which means apple cider, maple bacon donuts and scary movie time, though if you ask me, none of those three require a season.

 

“Alright, do we have everything now?” Robbie asked as set a bowl of s’mores popcorn on each of the snack trays between their seats. Was hardly room for them, what with the bottles of cider, caramel dipped apple chunks, and maple bacon donut holes.

“If we don’t, I’m already declaring, not it, when it comes to going back to the kitchen for whatever we forgot,” Jagger declared.

“Yeah, fine, we’ll let you have your not it, this time, if only because the dogs are running loose,” Robbie conceded.

“Damned Fuzzy Death Machines,” Jagger grumbled beneath his breath.

Chuckling, Kayden caught him a headlock and ruffled his hair. “Just for you we’ll scratch Cujo off our list of movie choices.”

“And pet cemetery too!” Robbie added.

“Yeah, please leave that one out too,” Jagger said as he glared at Kayden and tried to fix his perpetually messy hair. “I can’t stand it when they kill animals in movies.”

“As long as chopping up people is okay with the two of you, we shouldn’t have an issue finding some creepy shit to watch,” Kayden said.

“Works for me,” Jagger said as Robbie started scrolling through their streaming service’s horror movie collection.

“Oh my god, there are some truly ridiculous movies listed here,” Kayden said.

“First rule of streaming anything during Halloween season, don’t click on the shitty-ass sequels,” Robbie declared.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Jagger said. “Jeepers Creepers 2 was just as good as the first one.”

“Says you,” Robbie replied.

“If the first rule is no sequels, then the second is no fricken mutated critter flicks. That means no two, three, or six headed anythings, no mega sharks, no supergators, and no mecha whatsits,” Kayden said.

“Damn, someone’s got a prejudice against the animal community.” Jagger said. “Just click on Children of the Corn and call it a day.”

“Ohhh hell no!” Kayden said, reached to try and tug the remote from Robbie’s hand as the icon stood poised over that very move. “Uh-uh, not with all the corn fields we’ve got to drive past to get out to Rocktoberfest. We break down out there and I’m gonna lose my shit waiting for one of those kids to come peering through the rows.”

Laughing, Jagger wrapped arm around his waist and gave him a hug. “Don’t worry, Robbie will protect you.”

Kayden just snorted and eyed him skeptically. “Yeah, and what will you be doing?”

“Seeing how fast I can run,” Jagger said, winking when Kayden shook his head at him.

“Thanks.”

“What about Killer Clowns from Outer space?” Robbie asked.

“Man, fuck those clowns!” Jagger declared, “I fucking hate clowns!”

“Why does everybody got to hate on clowns?” Kayden asked. “Especially that movies, that’s more funny than scary, come on, they turn people into cotton candy.”

“Meh, they’re still clowns,” Jagger grumbled as he started getting comfortable. “And I’m not in the mood for funny.”

“Soo, you wanna be scared, do you?” Kayden asked, having finally managed to wrest control of the remote from Robbie. “What about Candyman?”

“Is it the original?” Jagger asked.

“Ummm…that would be a no.”

“See rule number one.” Robbie said.

“You said no sequels, this looks more like a remake.” Kayden said.

“Okay, let me amend rule one to no sequels, remakes, or reboots,” Robbie grumbled. “That should take care of everything including the bastardised version of Halloween that I’m still pissed about.”

“Dude you need to get over it, that wasn’t that bad,” Kayden said.

“But it wasn’t the creepy as fuck dude in the featureless mask, either, which is exactly my point.”

“Fine, fine, amend your rule and just help me pick something.”

“I’m working on it.”

“Just give me that,” Jagger grumbled, grabbing the remote away from Kayden and scrolling past Prom Night, Puppet Master, the remade Chucky movie, and two black and white Dracula flicks to click on Saw.

“Yeah, okay, this will work, down in front, Lucky Charms, or better still, down on my lap and let’s get this freaky movie fest started,” Kayden said, tugging Jagger towards him.

“The only reason you want him to sit on you is so you can press your face against his shoulder and hide during the bloody parts,” Robbie said.

“So?”

“Notice how he doesn’t sound the least bit ashamed,” Robbie said.

Jagger just laughed and wiggled free of Kayden to sit back in his own seat. “Somehow I doubt shame is even in his vocabulary.”

“Hell, I doubt he can spell it,” Robbie shot back.

“Laugh it up, fuckers. Just remember that I wasn’t the one doing the walk of shame with a cereal box to preserve my modesty.”

Groaning, Jagger scrunched down in his seat. “I still owe Johnny an ass kicking for sharing that story.”

The movie flickered to life on the screen, with a glowing blue item floating in water, and a guy drowning in an old rusty tub.

“Why do I get the feeling that whatever it was that went down the drain is gonna prove hella important?” Kayden said.

Robbie reached for a handful of popcorn and paused before popping a piece in his mouth. “Always does in this kinda movie, the same way the chained-up idiots always try and yank on thick ass steal like they can snap it.”

“Check for missing kidneys and tick an urban legend off in the process. Dude wasn’t even on ice,” Kayden said, falling into his usual early movie banter with Robbie while Jagger sat silent and focused on watching the events on the screen play out.

“No shit, the surgeon has a point when he said you’d either be in terrible agony or dead if someone yanked them out.”

“And now we’ve got a key, a bullet, and tiny, tiny cassette tapes saying play me, without even an eat me, or drink me sample to dull the pain.”

“Man, all those little cakes and vials did was make Alice grow or shrink.”

“Did they really, or did they only make her think that’s what was happening?”

“Now, if they’d come from the caterpillar you might have a point.”

“How do you know they didn’t?”

“Ohhh, I never thought of that.”

“Hell, the whole movie might have just been Alice tripping on something she’d taken to get through that awful picnic she was forced to attend.”

“Alright you two, unless you want me to put on one of the Alice in Wonderland movies so you can pick them apart, you’ll focus on this movie,” Jagger warned.

They tried to shut up, they really did, but within moments, Kayden made a comment and Robbie couldn’t help following it.

“Okay, so I’ve gotta admit that the whole fishing with the shirt and drain plug was pretty brilliant,” Kayden said.

“Desperate times.”

“No shit.”

“Talk about a game I wouldn’t want to play,” Robbie muttered as the second of the tapes finished revealing the message it had for the doctor. “This is like the ultimate escape room.”

“Maybe shit like this is where they got the idea from?”

“Makes sense.”

“We should do one as a band and see how fast we can escape.”

“Johnny and I have done a few, we kick ass at them,” Jagger said, finally contributing to the conversation.

Robbie tried to picture the two of them locked in a room together with their restless energy and constant teasing of one another and didn’t see how they could manage anything besides getting in each other’s way. Would be damned amusing to see though, and if they should happen to have added photos for their wall of infamy.

“Ohhhh fuck me, that’s disgusting!” Kayden groaned as Adam stuck his hand in the toilet to see if there was anything he could fish out, hand coming out with slimy with brown, disgusting shit, to declared nothing solid, when asked if anything was in there.

The hacksaws pulled from the toilet tank prompted an immediate race to see who could saw through their chains the fastest, not that it lasted long, with one breaking and the doctor giving up and telling Adam that he might know who was responsible for them being there.

“This shit is just twisted. Razor wire mazes, numbers on the wall, jigsaw pieces cut from the flesh of the dead, if they have flesh left. Is there even a way for the victims to survive or is the whole thing rigged against them,” Robbie muttered.

“It’s like when they used to test if someone was a witch throwing them in water. If they floated they were witches, and hung at the steak or burned. If they drowned, they were innocent, but still fuckin’ dead, so what did it matter?” Kayden said.

“Yeah, that’s a mindfuck right there.”

“This whole movie is a mindfuck and the best part is…ohhh look, that answers that question, someone did escape.”

“Is it just me or does the jigsaw puppet look like one puppets from Puppet Master, only with clown makeup on?”

“Fucked if I remember, guess we’ll have to watch that next.”

“Dude, she fuckin’ merced that guy to get the key out of his stomach!” Jagger said, interrupting their Puppet Master discussion.

Robbie shrugged. “Guess she really wanted to live.”

“Pretty sure the dude in the razor wire did too, he just couldn’t work out the right path,” Jagger said.

“Please tell me we’re not having pasta tonight, or at least not any that spiral?” Kayden groaned as the intestine scene played out and the woman in the reverse beartrap mask freed herself with the key she’d gotten out of the stomach of the man who’d been given such a high dose of opiods he just lay there paralised and unable to do more than look at her when she started cutting him.

Chuckling, Robbie cut his friend an evil look. “Better take that up with Mickey, I’m pretty sure he’s planning pick up order from Olive Garden.”

“I hate you so hard right now.”

“And now it’s become every man for himself,” Jagger declared, though whether he was talking about the movie, or their little back and forth, Robbie couldn’t be sure.

“In all fairness, the doctor is supposed to kill him if he wants to free himself, so it’s technically been every man for himself the moment the tapes were played. Adam stealing that photo with the clue on the back is self-preservation,” Robbie said.

“True that,” Kayden said. “Danny Glover plays an awesome cop no matter what movie he’s in.”

“Think he answers the question of what he’d been doing if he wasn’t an actor by telling them he’d probably be a cop,” Jagger asked.

“Maybe.”

“Uhhh, why’s it always gotta be a pig mask!” Kayden groaned as the masks on the table were revealed. “Remember Leatherface?”

“Ohh, don’t forget Porkchop 3D.”

“Dude, I would love to forget that one, that was sick.”

“You picked it.”

“And you picked Tormented, which was just as bad.”

Jagger through up his hands, an apple chunk falling from his fingers and into his hair, which Kayden quickly retrieved. “Where do you guys find these fuckin’ movies?”

“Streaming services,” Kayden replied. “Still doesn’t answer the guestion of why the masks always gotta be pig faces.”

“’Cause people would object to almost any other animal, but pigs they just see as disgusting?” Jagger said.

When the cop on the screen ran into the tripwire and accidentally shot himself, Robbie cringed.

“Oh fuck, that shotgun blast was vicious!” Jagger said.

“Could you imaging Jigsaw designing a funhouse for Halloween, tripwires and all?” Kayden asked.

“Not if you wanted any repeat customers.”

“Okay, you may have a point there.”

“Now, was that actually Jigsaw the cop shot, or someone else?” Kayden said. “I don’t get it, the time jump is throwing things off a little.”

“Only cause you guys have been smoking it up over there and forgetting to share!” Robbie said as he reached for the cart Kayden and Jagger had been passing back and forth.

At least Kayden looked sheepish when he handed it over. “Oops…sorry.”

“Yeah, oops, sure. Bogarting Bastards.”

“At least they figured out what the key went to, though I sure as fuck wouldn’t take a psychos word about those cigarettes being harmless,” Jagger said, about the only one of them who was truly into the movie.

“Does it even matter at this point, they’re as good as dead,” Robbie said.

“Meh, movies not over yet, one of them could live.”

“yeah, one, maybe, but not both. You have to have one live so they can be the crazy person in the second movie warning everyone of the danger sighs that everyone missed in the first, while insisting the killer isn’t dead and is still after people.”

“Yeah, I never did see the point in that when on one listens to the crazy person in the first place. Look what happened in Elm Street 3, she kept telling everyone about Freddy and no one wanted to hear that did they. Shit, in that one movie the people are literally told to get out by the fuckin’ house and they still tried to stick around and pretend nothing was wrong.”

“Wasn’t that Amityville Horror?”

“Yeah, but in that one the house said it to a priest, you know they never listen.”

“True, they just keep trying to exorcise shit.”

“I was thinking it was in the movie House too or maybe I’m just thinking about a spoof of it, like when they joke how everyone has to go running to see what the sound was, or wears heels in the woods and winds up tripping everywhere.”

“Was prolly Scary Movie then, or Haunted House, or one of the sequels in those franchises.”

“Oh man, that shit’s funny as hell, I love those movies,” Robbie admitted, earning himself a strange glance from Jagger.

“Thought sequels were a no go?”

“Of horror movies, yeah, but comedies and parodies are gonna be funny no matter how ridiculous they get that’s the whole point of them.”

Onscreen, the Doc was reading jigsaw’s note while Adam was begging him to give up one of the cigarettes. What ensued was a plan between Doc and Adam to try and fake out jigsaw, by making it seem like the doc had dipped the cigarette in the supposedly poisoned blood on the floor, before tossing it to Adam.

“Oh my god that was the worst fake dying scene in history!” Jagger complained as it played out.

Robbie had to agree that it was the worst acted moment in the whole movie. Was like they’d wanted to be caught in their attempted lie. “Seriously, someone channeled too much Bugs Bunny with that.”

“And look at the shocking surprise jigsaw had in store for him!”

“Talk about having all the bases covered…and now we’re back to trying to saw through the chains again.”

“I love how the bulk of the movie takes place in flashbacks outside of the room, and then comes back to the room to tie the pieces together.”

“And heighten the fuckin’ tension, damn,” Robbie said.

Laughing Jagger nudged Kayden’s shoulder, “Hey, at least Kayden hasn’t had to use me as a fear blinder yet.”

“True.”

“I thought this movie would be bloodier,” Kayden admitted. “Could have sworn it was.”

“Maybe that’s the sequel,” Jagger offered.

“Which we won’t be watching,” Robbie reminded them.

“Awe hell no, there’s like, then of them. Once you watch the second you’re kinda committed to finish it out if you ask me,” Jagger said.

“My point exactly,” Robbie said. “Better to not even head down that path. “Besides, I’m pretty sure this movie skirts the line between psychological thriller and terror with some dabbles of horror dripped in. We’ll go for a true horror movie next.”

“Ohhh shit! Adam’s a PI, how did I not remember that?” Kayden asked.

“’Cause you never pay attention to the movie,” Robbie reminded him.  “And yeah, he is a PI and the doc was his target.”

“Plot twist!” Jagger yelped.

“I’m sorry but that horribly acted death by poison cigarette scene just sort of killed the whole thing for me,” Robbie said. “Now I’m just waiting for everyone to die so we can get this movie over with.”

“Fair,” Jagger said.

Now that the conversation had finally died down, Robbie could enjoy his treats, mentally declaring those maple bacon donut holes to be the be all, end all best fired dough thing he’d ever eaten. Another flashback revealed the cops obsession since his partner died, then the camera cut to the clock again, a reminder that time was ticking down. Add in desperate phone call from the Doc’s daughter telling him about the man with the gun and begging him for help, and the level of fear, tension and desperation went up another notch, building towards the ending.

“Okay, so let me make sure I’ve got this straight,” Kayden said. “Creepy hospital guy has a gun on Doc’s family, the cop hired Adam to take pictures of Doc because he still thinks that Doc is jigsaw, and that’s Zep, the creepy guy, watching them on the screens when six o’clock came, which means Zep is jigsaw, right?”

“Wrong!” Jagger and Robbie declared simultaneously.

“The fuck!”

“Just watch the movie!” Jagger said. “Gonna have to find something to stuff your mouth with, so you don’t talk through the next one.”

“Promises, promises.”

 “Did Zep just really call for Doc’s wife like she would have A, stuck around, and B, answered his crazy ass?” Kayden asked several minutes later.

“Looks like it.” Robbie said.

“And now it’s a car chase and a footrace!” Kayden declared, making Jagger groan.

“Yeah, seriously gonna gag you before the next movie.”

“Just promise you’ll choose something sinfully delicious to stuff my mouth with,” Kayden said, wagging his eyebrows at him.

“More like a sock full of mothballs,” Jagger shot back.

“Evil bastard! Ohhh man, I was waiting to see how long it took before one of them chopped off their foot like a coyote in a trap,” Kayden said when Doc took the hacksaw to his ankle.

“In all fairness, Adam’s hacksaw breaking meant he couldn’t have done it even if he’d wanted to,” Jagger said.

“It didn’t break that badly. He could have given it a go.” Robbie pointed out as Zep and the cop converged on the room from different angles, one hell bent on killing the Doc, the other on killing Zep.

“Damn…Doc shot Adam!” Kayden said right before they cut to a scene of Doc’s family safe with some neighbors, followed by Zep entering the room with the captives and telling Doc that it was too late, he hadn’t killed Adam before the time he was given. “What the hell!”

“Dude just smashed Zip’s face in with a damned toilet lid!”

“Now, that’s making good use of porcelain.”

 All of them fell silent as the final pieces of the puzzle started fitting together, particularly Zep’s piece, right before the corpse on the floor proved not to be a corpse at all. Before Adam’s stunned gaze, the real jigsaw came to life, revealed to be a man from the hospital where Doc worked, to tell him exactly where the key to his chains was. Robbie could only shake his head as he recalled the conversation they’d had about the item in the tub, the one that had floated down the drain and sealed Adam’s fate in the process.

Game over.

“Wait! Hold on a fuckin’ minute!” Kayden declared, coming up out of his seat. “Did Doc get away or did he bleed out? Is anyone gonna find Adam, ‘cause no way he can get that key back? How is it just over like that?”

“They made ten movies for a reason,” Jagger said.

“Oh come on, that’s not even fair, I wanna know what happens next.”

“Don’t tell me, tell Robbie, he’s the one with the no sequel rule,” Jagger said, both sets of eyes turning his way.

Groaning, Robbie just smacked a hand to his face and muttered curses, both about the movie and his bandmates.

“If I say we can watch two, it’s with one condition,” Robbie said when they wouldn’t stop giving him puppy dog eyes.

“What’s that?” Jagger asked.

“That you make good on your promise to gag Kayden.”

Jagger’s brilliant smile promised both humorous and wicked things and he bolted up out of his seat. “I’ll be right back!”

Damaged Saints will release on Oct. 27th and is available for preorder below.

Damaged Saints